My personal thanksgiving.....

Life doesnt give you many opportunities to celebrate and be thankful for what one has. But sometimes life does show its trump card hidden up its sleeve, when you are least expecting it, shaking the floor beneath your feet. Only when you have survived this jolt, do you realise, that what's left behind after the tumult was what was worth all along. What got washed away with the tide, was never meant to be and most importantly, not worth anything at all.

And when life did show me its bitter side, i realize why i survived and this post is my acknowledgement to the fact that i have a wonderful support system - my friends. K and S, today would have been different had it not been for you two. Therez a saying "Its the friends that you can call at 4:00 A.M that matter". Well, for me, you are those friends..not only my 4 A.M. friends, but dearest and closest to my heart. And i am thankful to have you in my life. With you by my side, i guess i could survive anything :)

Thanks for everything...you guys rock !!!

seasons of the soul....

she felt the rage within her rise,
    from gentle sobs to screaming cries;
the tears, they burned her eyes, her soul,
    she waited for the pain to die;

and then it rained, it rained for her.....

the autumn hues coloured her eyes,
    with a sense of hope, for withered lives;
she longed for her loss to drift away,
    be buried in a chasm deep and wide;

and then it snowed, it snowed for her.....

the rush of time, a wearied prey,
    the battle of the everyday;
she wished that 'now' would seemingly halt,
    for new dreams to sow, of a better start;

and the night did fall, kissing her goodnight.....

as light dispels the darkened nights,
    and hope, it triumphs over plight;
a shimmering sunset, a sparkling dawn,
    her heart, it yearned for a new spring song;

and the sun did rise, and shine for her.....

Drenched musings

A rainy October afternoon. An unusual shower for this time of the year. There is always something serenely magical about rains. As i sit on my windowsill with a steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other, i cant stop myself from soaking in the magic of the moment. The rain drops fall softly on the window pane and i ardently watch them form a pattern of their own as they slide through. Its a game i used to play when i was a child. Trying to race two drops to see which one slides down first and silly as it may sound, i did have my favorites in the game. The raindrops create a ripple as they fall into the puddle below, each one effortlessly blending into the next. Watching these ripples, these concentric circles which now give a new dimension to this stagnant pool of water, brings back a lot of memories from the yesteryear's. Memories have their knack of arriving uninvited.

As i open the windowpane to feel the rain in the open palm of my hands, the icy coldness of the raindrops tingles me and fills me with a childlike exuberance. The wind chime sways to the gentle breeze and creates its own tapestry of music, as if orchestrating the grandness of the moment. Familiar and unfamiliar faces scuttle through the street below, drenched in the moment, unknowingly bound by a common thread, the rain. The little or no sunlight blurs the distinction between day and night. The hazy blurred picture created by the rains is a perfect disillusionment separating the unreal from the real or perhaps blending them into one.

The simplicity of these moments is empowering. As i try to devour these, i hear a voice say, "Unexpected shower but the weather looks beautiful, no? What time is it by the way?" And i smile to myself as i whisper, "Now. The time is now."

ruins...

once upon a time, they say,
    i stood so tall, so fine, so strong,
and now withered with sands of time,
    i stand alone on a ruined ground

the beauty of my past remains,
    in glimpses of my memories,
in the stories told, some false, some true,
    i trace my journey ever anew

my walls though weak, my roof though leaks,
    my heart, of strength and spirit speaks,
my outward pomp and charm though lost,
    my inner soul still glory seeks

a crown of flowers adorned me once,
    engulfed me in their gentle spell,
now weeds surround me and more,
    trying to make up for the charm

my arms have cradled many a soul,
    who came to seek my shelter then,
now an endless wait is all i have,
    to be a refuge to a wandered soul

the world awaits a bright luminous day,
    after every dark and dreary night
and so i wait for my day of life,
    to be mixed to dust and born again.....

A cliched thought...

Everyday i pass through the same roads to get to work. Some days when i am not too occupied with the monotony of life, i try to look or rather observe the world around me as i pass by these paths, en route to work. There is one particular stretch of road which has these little hutments created with scraps of plywood, sheets of plastic ,tin and whatever material available. Though it might appear unworthy of being termed a house, it indeed is a home for many. The street urchins seemingly belonging to this neighborhood are always up to something, as if whatever their minds are construing at the moment, would somehow change their world and fate forever. What amazes me about these urchins is the look of unfazed contentment on their faces. It appears as if they are miles away from the touch of any apathy or misfortune. Try as one may, to search for a trace of resentment, unhappiness within them, their faces and spirit seem to betray the reality. Deprived of things which we cannot even imagine living without, and still facing the day with an optimistic stride, is probably what sets them apart, irrespective of their current state in life.

Looking at them always reminds me of the cliche "Happiness is a state of mind". Each one of us undoubtedly must have heard this phrase a thousand times over, read about it or passed it on to somebody, wrapped as a mere piece of advice. However, the point to note is, when it actually comes to living the phrase, are we even infinitesimally close to it? The lesser privileged somehow seem to understand the significance and value of this cliche more than the affluent or the ordinary. We all seem to live in a rat race. Nobody in particular seems to know where we are heading, nor does anybody seem to care, however, each one of us surely does want to outnumber the rest in this race to nowhere. We might have the world at our feet, however, even without realizing it, we might just step on it and move on. Still grumbling, still resenting, what we do not possess yet, all the while what we have thrown away ourselves. We seem to have become too immune to the epiphanies of life to be able to pause for a moment and make a shift in our perspectives. But life has a way of adding that deliberate pause, by a whip or by a splash. The question that remains for us to ponder over is, are we ready to pay the price after all, to learn the most expensive lesson, the hard way?

Suppositions

if you were to be a book,
     i would read you through and through,
you could be the start, the end,
     and i the chapters filling through

if you were to be a cloud,
     i would wait for you to pour,
you could be the summer shower,
     and drench me in your downpour

if you were to be a song,
     i would be your rhythmic tune,
you could be the words, the soul,
     and i the gentle melody

if you were to be the night,
     i would be the dawn, the dusk,
sunrise, sunset, with crimson hues,
     would find me blending into you

if you were to be the wind,
     i would be the blade of grass,
the world would see your gentle stride,
     as with every touch you would make me sway

if you were to be a picture,
     i would be the memory,
you could be the now, the then,
     and i the arch, the binding link

pitter patter.....once again

pitter patter pitter patter little drops of rain....
Somehow this nursery rhyme seems to have gotten into my head and i have been repeating this for quite some time now..in my mind of course. But then i cannot gather the reason behind this. The only plausible explanation is the rain here that seems to have reminded me of this sweet little rhyme..or maybe it was something else..well, i guess it doesn't matter...all that matters is that i happen to be enjoying the pittering and pattering of this rhyme within my mind :-)

Did you, today or any day?

watch the sun rise?

see the crimson hues engulf the sky and beyond?

watch the soft sunlight streaming through your window?

touch the dew drop on the blade of a grass and feel it melt away with your touch?

take a walk around the block and notice the sacred in the ordinary?

hold the gaze of the ones you love and feel the warmth of their love flow through you?

light the days of many with your smile?

laugh, till it hurt?

did something you always wanted to?

listen to some soul stirring music?

drop all your inhibitions and swirl to the beats of your favorite song?

sing your favorite song, oblivious to how the world would react?

watch the amazing tapestry of colors, that mother nature has so amazingly weaved together?

feel the drops of rain on your face and let them wash away your sobs?

sip a steaming cup of hot tea, savoring every sip, without thinking about the next immediate task at hand?

hear the raindrops creating music on the window pane?

watch the dusk blend into the night, the darkness engulfing everything into its bosom, as if into nothingness?

count the stars on a clear night and trace a pattern?

imagine the clouds forming funny shapes?

believe in miracles, angels, fairies, wishing wells which you had stopped believing when the world told you so?

read a good book that inspires and rejuvenates the inner you?

be grateful for all the good things in your life?

If not, well, isn't it time to start?

New additions to the family :-)

Musings

have you ever wondered,
      if life is zooming past,
you are standing at the anvils,
      and the pace is just too fast

have you looked at the mirror,
      every single day of your life,
now staring back at you is a stranger,
      and you wonder, who is that?

have you always waged a battle,
      you against your fate,
then tired of the struggle,
      gave in, not feeling great

have you ever prayed so hard,
      and bet your odds against it all,
and saw your prayers answered,
      and your ego have a mighty fall

have you clasped your dreams,
      so close to your heart,
that waking up seems so scary,
      for your dreams might fall apart

have you watched children frolic,
      and splash about in rain,
and wished you could go back in time,
      and be a child once again

have you wondered every now and then,
      about the mystery engulfing life,
and still went on living as always,
      too harried to spare a thought

life with all its questions,
      and life indeed with all the answers,
have you ever wondered, if life is still a question,
      and we, the answer to it all?

An unborn dream...

stories unthought, unheard, untold
lives forgotten, remembered, unlived

sea storm in the bosom of a single tear,
a stifle that makes the heart wrench with fear

i do not miss you so much, how can i?
says the mother of an unborn child,
i did not know you so much, now, did i?

a part of me, you were, now gone,
now i am just me, all alone,
inside of me now a hollow resides

my dreams of you, are no more now mine,
the twinkle in my eyes has lost its shine

the cradle rocks in emptiness,
my heart now bores its heaviness

it bleeds of love i couldn't give,
of warmth and glory of motherhood

if only i could turn back time,
if only i could hold your hand

with your little fingers holding on to me,
and your gaze forever finding me

the void which is so deep, so dark,
how do i fill it, how do i find you back?

P.S: I think of you

when the wind blows softly and brushes my cheek,
when words just fail me,
as i speak

when the morning sunlight fills my eye,
or darkness,
it falls and stars lit the sky

when there is fear of failure,
as i want to try,
and something deep within makes me want to cry

when fate, it plays its vicious games,
and, to hold on to,
there is nothing, but your name

when weirdness in actions,is all i seek,
no, being normal,
doesn't seem well to speak

when in a crowd i feel left alone,
when alone,
i feel i could long for no one

when i am immersed in a song,
and the words,
they catch me unawares

when my feet start tapping to the beats,
as i wish i could dance,
and swirl to the song

when the silences whisper in my ears,
and complain,
of the stifled voices near

when the overpowering chaos around me,
seems to be as tranquil,
as it ever could be

when out of nothing there seems to be everything,
all that is, all that was,
and all that ever could be

do i need a reason or rhyme,
to long for you,
to make you mine?

as i move on from day to day,
from moment to moment, from breath to breath,
all i can say is, i think of you.....

Murphy's laws in action

You wake up, hoping for a bright sunny day. Its raining cats and dogs outside.

You leave home earlier than usual, hoping to reach work on time. Somehow the world knows this and so it has decided to be out along with you, in their cars. There is a deadening traffic block. you miss the train. The next one due is cancelled.

You have an early morning meeting. You hope and pray to reach a little early to be able to send across the presentation to the attendees, something which you couldn't do last evening. Your windows password has expired and you cannot access your system.

Its an important meeting which starts off by the chairperson laying out ground rules that the mobiles need to be on silent mode or better still switched off. Overly confident that that's already the case, you snigger. The first point of discussion comes up and the room reverberates with the deafening sound of a famous tune. Yes, its your mobile phone which is ringing.

Driving down the road, you can see the signal. Its still green. Yes you are sure you can make it. There is ample of time. The car in front of you decides to break down. Its a long wait for the signal to go green again.

You are dressed in your best. The new skirt does wonders to your looks. You feel confident and are ready to take on the world. As you are about to step out of the house, the hem of your skirt gets caught in the door and now there is a big gaping hole. In the skirt and in your wallet too.

You decide to go out for lunch with your friend to your favourite restaurant which is known for its good service and quality of food. You order your time tested favourite dish. The order takes eons to arrive and couldnt taste worse.

You decide to meet up with your friend after a very long time, after a lot of planning and re-planning efforts. You look forward to catching up on the old times. You are midway and your friend calls up, she has fallen down the stairs and fractured her ankle. She is barely able to walk.

The coffee mug is on the table beside your mobile phone. By accident your hand hits the coffee mug and its about to fall down and spill the coffee all over the place. In an attempt to foil this from happening you reach out, hit the mobile instead. Your coffee mug is safe. The mobile is on the floor in multiple pieces. You saved 200 bucks and now you are in need of a few thousands, either to get the mobile phone repaired or get a new one.

Bad luck? coincidence? Bad timing?

I call it the great conspiration theory of the universe !

Lavender memories..

Memories... Some vividly alive, some faded. Some slipping away, replaced by newer ones. Some still holding on, fighting against time, awaiting their passage into oblivion, to be lost forever. Moments captured in a frame, staring back at us, as if mocking at the attempt. So many stories, lived, breathed, forgotten...Some in shades of gray, some in color... Each enclosing a different tale.

If tomorrow ever comes...

Its been an extremely ordinary day today. And i wasn't even planning to write anything at all. The only highlight of the day has been the few hours i spent with my friends having a good time. Its moments like these which makes me wonder how blessed one is to be surrounded by friends. But this is not what prompted me to write something.

We had stopped by a shop and i was waiting for my friend to complete her payment by the counter. As i listlessly looked around, my eyes rested on a particular table in the food court behind me which was thriving with people on a Sunday evening. Seated on this table was an elderly couple, who had probably found their place in the crowd of seemingly unsure people, heading towards an equal uncertainty. Nothing out of the ordinary if you ask me. My gaze would have wandered off, but what followed caught my attention. I saw the elderly gentleman lovingly feed a morsel of food to the lady. And i saw the elderly lady blush with a shyness of a newly wed bride. Oblivious to the world around, they had found a world of their own.

This simple loving gesture set my mind racing, making me wonder about a lot of things. Now that i am at a stage in life looking for companionship, i wonder if i would live to see and experience such a day in my life too. I wonder if there would be moments where we would look back and still feel the warmth of the bygone days, of the many seasons, of love and laughter, of tears and pain, of the struggles to race ahead, of the longings to stay behind, all interwoven to create a beautiful tapestry to call ours. I wonder if i will live to find those moments in a lifetime or find my lifetime in those moments.....

Ballerina Me....

Of all the hundreds or possibly thousands of things i ever wanted to be when i was a kid, being a ballerina was one of them...But alas, the closest i could ever get to being a ballerina was to wishfully hope to own a cute pair of ballerina shoes...And to think of it, yesterday i was so damn close to fulfilling this longheld wish.

A sale according to me is somewhat like gambling, its addictive (ahem, the knowledge about gambling is purely based on hearsay :P)....the possibility of a focused approach towards buying something you came in to buy in the first place, is lost, when it comes to sales...But who said, shopping was meant to be a focused exercise anyways....besides the point.

Out of all the piles and piles of alluring shoes strewn across the shoe heaven (which is a heaven of sorts similar to clothes heaven and perfume heaven and so on and so forth), my eyes had to fall on the most exquisite pair of ballerina shoes, which of course was not on sale. It was love at first sight, coz honestly i could tell that those were the very ones i have been looking for, ever since i wanted to be a ballerina....My heart pounding, i reached those and i am sure my heart almost skipped a beat at the touch of those wonderfully divine pair of shoes..But then probably the shoe Gods (if there is any such entity, that is) are not happy with me for some (or maybe a variety of) reason(s)....The shoes did not fit. With a subdued hope, i enquired if i could get one of these in my shoe size..And with the response that i certainly did not want to hear, i saw my dreams of owning what i always wanted to, shattered once again :(


So close to being a ballerina and yet so far...Hard luck !

sigh..sniffle..sigh..

disconnect...

the clock continues to race ahead. new hopes for the day soar in the heart of some while some find their dreams turn to dust..new possibilities await some, while for some there are no choices left to make...words that lift the soul fill the air, struggling to find their place within the chaos and turmoil of the heart wrenching songs of a few souls...laughter intermingled with the muffled sobs...happiness in an age old war to win over sorrows...eyes filled with the light of a hopeful tomorrow, eyes with the well of tears all dried up...life races against life in an attempt to get ahead..beaten up by death at times..disconnected moments, disconnected lives..yet in a way connected..