Home away from home..

A thick canopy of dense trees shrouds the path as i journey along. The long stretch of roads wind, unwind and unravel before me, immaculate in their placing and creation. A few high rises play peek a boo amidst the canopy, as if defying their need to touch the sky and to remain rooted to the ground at the same time. The thick grey of winter has been replaced by the abundant sunlight as if washing away the fogs of yesterday with the warmth of today and an oncoming tomorrow. Everywhere i look around, summer makes its presence known and felt. The metamorphosis of winter into spring and finally into summer has been a spectacle indeed, a breathtaking transformation of grey and silver into a plethora of colors, of the vast emptiness into unimaginable abundance. Amidst the simmering heat, the glistening topiaries of green spread across miles, the breathtaking rainbow of flowers, my heart seems to search for a sense of familiarity. In a land so far away, it seems to have found a home away from home.

An elusive paradise..

You looked into my eyes and i saw my world in you. A world i have always longed to be in. But then i looked away. For you see, i cannot leave this world too.

I asked you what love is. You said it is what you feel for me. And then i fell into an even deeper abyss. For you see, i am yet to learn to fly, on the wings of love.

You took me in your arms and for a moment, i forgot my existence. I forgot who i was. It almost felt like a dream, almost... But then i stepped away from your embrace. For you see, i am yet to believe in dreams.

You kissed me on my lips and i quivered within my soul, a war raging within me. But then i turned away. For you see, i am yet to decide which side i am fighting for and against, in the battle within me.

And every time i looked away, i broke within, into pieces i haven't picked up yet. Torn between what is and what could have been. Torn between a moment and an eternity. Torn between the real and the unreal. Torn between the warmth of your breath and the icy coldness of the distance. Torn between you and me.

A whole new universe within this moment, a dream within a dream. And yet, it felt so real. How could that possibly be?

Mindless banter...

The void within me deepens day by day. Somedays i feel as if i have too much pent up inside of me and somedays i feel an eerie emptiness within. And the feeling never seems to go away. I wonder why!

Welcome 2012

The last sunset of this year draws near. The setting sun will usher in a new sunrise, a new beginning. Its time to bury the bad dreams, the hurt, the bitter experiences, to give way to new beginnings. Time to look back at the sweet memories of the year and carve out a special space in our hearts for them. Time to let go of strained relationships hanging by the last thread. desperate to break free. Time to forge new friendships, nurture the ones that mean the most to us.Time for new resolutions inspite of the known fact that those wont hold on for long. Time to ring out the old and ring in the new..

A very happy new year to everyone..

And the list continues...

My wish list to the universe....a work in progress

• Travel to Greece
• A library with dark ebony wooden shelves carved to perfection and overflowing with books
  
• A rocking chair
• Bungee Jumping
• Para Gliding
• Ice skating
• Learn the art of Ice Sculpting
  
• A small cottage overlooking the sea
• A room painted pale lemon yellow
• A windowsill with potted pink flowers
• A hammock
• A pet Labrador
  
• A silver anklet
• Earrings studded with blood red stones
• A pearl white gown
• A straw hat studded with flowers
• A pair of Stilettos
  
• A visit to Sheffield
  

Welcome back! - to me

I have decided to resurrect this blog after a long period of a deathly silence. A silence so chaotic that i could almost hear it screaming. If it were to speak, it would probably be akin to experiencing a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, well worthy of a narration in itself. But i do not intend to spill out the experience here in prose. I would most likely fall short of words in my attempt to do so. I'd rather restart on a much lighter and well trusted note. I hope that i would have the strength to hold onto and transform a few certain thoughts from the far recesses of my mind into something beautiful.

the perfect valentine....

"How do i look?" she asked all of a sudden, with an air of a princess, showing off her new pink dress, laced with pretty flowers, matched up with pink shoes and a pink hair band. "Its looking good" he said. And then she waited expectantly for something more to be said. He pretended as if he didnt care. And just as she was about to turn back and leave heart broken, he looked at her and said "You know what, you are beautiful". And with an air of a grown up, added, "Tooty Fruity beautiful. Thats how beautiful you look". And the twinkle in her eyes returned and a big grin found a way back into her face.

Although she never knew what it meant to be "tooty fruity beautiful", she waited for him to say this every single time and he never disappointed her.

All these years, she had never stopped asking the question. And the answers always amazed her and nevetheless brought a smile on to her face.

Now with a notable number of decades down the road, with the embers of youth long dead, her frail body struggling against the will to survive, lay, awaiting the last breath. The moment when life would deceive her and send her into an unknown world beyond what she ever knew. He staggered to reach out to her, every step made equally painful by the passing years. When their eyes met, the gleam in his, flowed into hers, warming her heart and filling her mind with the beauty of a sunshine.

As her lips parted to utter the words held in her heart, he bent down and kissed her forehead as if the words had already reached him. Gazing into her eyes, the lighthouse of his existence, he uttered what her heart yearned to hear. "You look beautiful. Tooty fruity beautiful, as always".

Good-bye's

I still remember the moment when you walked away. Long before the hazy mist in my eyes could clear. Long before the song in my heart could strike a chord in you. Long before i could step out of your dreams to find a safe haven in my own. Long before i could gather the pieces of my heart, every single one of them drenched in the blood of your love, while you called forth the rains, to wash them off, of any trace of it.

Some goodbye's are just disguised new beginnings. Some goodbye's tear you apart, body and soul, into a million little pieces, a trace of remembrance etched so deeply into every single one of them, that try as hard as you may, the scars refuse to go away. But some goodbye's haunt you forever....

My personal thanksgiving.....

Life doesnt give you many opportunities to celebrate and be thankful for what one has. But sometimes life does show its trump card hidden up its sleeve, when you are least expecting it, shaking the floor beneath your feet. Only when you have survived this jolt, do you realise, that what's left behind after the tumult was what was worth all along. What got washed away with the tide, was never meant to be and most importantly, not worth anything at all.

And when life did show me its bitter side, i realize why i survived and this post is my acknowledgement to the fact that i have a wonderful support system - my friends. K and S, today would have been different had it not been for you two. Therez a saying "Its the friends that you can call at 4:00 A.M that matter". Well, for me, you are those friends..not only my 4 A.M. friends, but dearest and closest to my heart. And i am thankful to have you in my life. With you by my side, i guess i could survive anything :)

Thanks for everything...you guys rock !!!

Drenched musings

A rainy October afternoon. An unusual shower for this time of the year. There is always something serenely magical about rains. As i sit on my windowsill with a steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other, i cant stop myself from soaking in the magic of the moment. The rain drops fall softly on the window pane and i ardently watch them form a pattern of their own as they slide through. Its a game i used to play when i was a child. Trying to race two drops to see which one slides down first and silly as it may sound, i did have my favorites in the game. The raindrops create a ripple as they fall into the puddle below, each one effortlessly blending into the next. Watching these ripples, these concentric circles which now give a new dimension to this stagnant pool of water, brings back a lot of memories from the yesteryear's. Memories have their knack of arriving uninvited.

As i open the windowpane to feel the rain in the open palm of my hands, the icy coldness of the raindrops tingles me and fills me with a childlike exuberance. The wind chime sways to the gentle breeze and creates its own tapestry of music, as if orchestrating the grandness of the moment. Familiar and unfamiliar faces scuttle through the street below, drenched in the moment, unknowingly bound by a common thread, the rain. The little or no sunlight blurs the distinction between day and night. The hazy blurred picture created by the rains is a perfect disillusionment separating the unreal from the real or perhaps blending them into one.

The simplicity of these moments is empowering. As i try to devour these, i hear a voice say, "Unexpected shower but the weather looks beautiful, no? What time is it by the way?" And i smile to myself as i whisper, "Now. The time is now."

A cliched thought...

Everyday i pass through the same roads to get to work. Some days when i am not too occupied with the monotony of life, i try to look or rather observe the world around me as i pass by these paths, en route to work. There is one particular stretch of road which has these little hutments created with scraps of plywood, sheets of plastic ,tin and whatever material available. Though it might appear unworthy of being termed a house, it indeed is a home for many. The street urchins seemingly belonging to this neighborhood are always up to something, as if whatever their minds are construing at the moment, would somehow change their world and fate forever. What amazes me about these urchins is the look of unfazed contentment on their faces. It appears as if they are miles away from the touch of any apathy or misfortune. Try as one may, to search for a trace of resentment, unhappiness within them, their faces and spirit seem to betray the reality. Deprived of things which we cannot even imagine living without, and still facing the day with an optimistic stride, is probably what sets them apart, irrespective of their current state in life.

Looking at them always reminds me of the cliche "Happiness is a state of mind". Each one of us undoubtedly must have heard this phrase a thousand times over, read about it or passed it on to somebody, wrapped as a mere piece of advice. However, the point to note is, when it actually comes to living the phrase, are we even infinitesimally close to it? The lesser privileged somehow seem to understand the significance and value of this cliche more than the affluent or the ordinary. We all seem to live in a rat race. Nobody in particular seems to know where we are heading, nor does anybody seem to care, however, each one of us surely does want to outnumber the rest in this race to nowhere. We might have the world at our feet, however, even without realizing it, we might just step on it and move on. Still grumbling, still resenting, what we do not possess yet, all the while what we have thrown away ourselves. We seem to have become too immune to the epiphanies of life to be able to pause for a moment and make a shift in our perspectives. But life has a way of adding that deliberate pause, by a whip or by a splash. The question that remains for us to ponder over is, are we ready to pay the price after all, to learn the most expensive lesson, the hard way?

pitter patter.....once again

pitter patter pitter patter little drops of rain....
Somehow this nursery rhyme seems to have gotten into my head and i have been repeating this for quite some time now..in my mind of course. But then i cannot gather the reason behind this. The only plausible explanation is the rain here that seems to have reminded me of this sweet little rhyme..or maybe it was something else..well, i guess it doesn't matter...all that matters is that i happen to be enjoying the pittering and pattering of this rhyme within my mind :-)

New additions to the family :-)

Murphy's laws in action

You wake up, hoping for a bright sunny day. Its raining cats and dogs outside.

You leave home earlier than usual, hoping to reach work on time. Somehow the world knows this and so it has decided to be out along with you, in their cars. There is a deadening traffic block. you miss the train. The next one due is cancelled.

You have an early morning meeting. You hope and pray to reach a little early to be able to send across the presentation to the attendees, something which you couldn't do last evening. Your windows password has expired and you cannot access your system.

Its an important meeting which starts off by the chairperson laying out ground rules that the mobiles need to be on silent mode or better still switched off. Overly confident that that's already the case, you snigger. The first point of discussion comes up and the room reverberates with the deafening sound of a famous tune. Yes, its your mobile phone which is ringing.

Driving down the road, you can see the signal. Its still green. Yes you are sure you can make it. There is ample of time. The car in front of you decides to break down. Its a long wait for the signal to go green again.

You are dressed in your best. The new skirt does wonders to your looks. You feel confident and are ready to take on the world. As you are about to step out of the house, the hem of your skirt gets caught in the door and now there is a big gaping hole. In the skirt and in your wallet too.

You decide to go out for lunch with your friend to your favourite restaurant which is known for its good service and quality of food. You order your time tested favourite dish. The order takes eons to arrive and couldnt taste worse.

You decide to meet up with your friend after a very long time, after a lot of planning and re-planning efforts. You look forward to catching up on the old times. You are midway and your friend calls up, she has fallen down the stairs and fractured her ankle. She is barely able to walk.

The coffee mug is on the table beside your mobile phone. By accident your hand hits the coffee mug and its about to fall down and spill the coffee all over the place. In an attempt to foil this from happening you reach out, hit the mobile instead. Your coffee mug is safe. The mobile is on the floor in multiple pieces. You saved 200 bucks and now you are in need of a few thousands, either to get the mobile phone repaired or get a new one.

Bad luck? coincidence? Bad timing?

I call it the great conspiration theory of the universe !

If tomorrow ever comes...

Its been an extremely ordinary day today. And i wasn't even planning to write anything at all. The only highlight of the day has been the few hours i spent with my friends having a good time. Its moments like these which makes me wonder how blessed one is to be surrounded by friends. But this is not what prompted me to write something.

We had stopped by a shop and i was waiting for my friend to complete her payment by the counter. As i listlessly looked around, my eyes rested on a particular table in the food court behind me which was thriving with people on a Sunday evening. Seated on this table was an elderly couple, who had probably found their place in the crowd of seemingly unsure people, heading towards an equal uncertainty. Nothing out of the ordinary if you ask me. My gaze would have wandered off, but what followed caught my attention. I saw the elderly gentleman lovingly feed a morsel of food to the lady. And i saw the elderly lady blush with a shyness of a newly wed bride. Oblivious to the world around, they had found a world of their own.

This simple loving gesture set my mind racing, making me wonder about a lot of things. Now that i am at a stage in life looking for companionship, i wonder if i would live to see and experience such a day in my life too. I wonder if there would be moments where we would look back and still feel the warmth of the bygone days, of the many seasons, of love and laughter, of tears and pain, of the struggles to race ahead, of the longings to stay behind, all interwoven to create a beautiful tapestry to call ours. I wonder if i will live to find those moments in a lifetime or find my lifetime in those moments.....

Ballerina Me....

Of all the hundreds or possibly thousands of things i ever wanted to be when i was a kid, being a ballerina was one of them...But alas, the closest i could ever get to being a ballerina was to wishfully hope to own a cute pair of ballerina shoes...And to think of it, yesterday i was so damn close to fulfilling this longheld wish.

A sale according to me is somewhat like gambling, its addictive (ahem, the knowledge about gambling is purely based on hearsay :P)....the possibility of a focused approach towards buying something you came in to buy in the first place, is lost, when it comes to sales...But who said, shopping was meant to be a focused exercise anyways....besides the point.

Out of all the piles and piles of alluring shoes strewn across the shoe heaven (which is a heaven of sorts similar to clothes heaven and perfume heaven and so on and so forth), my eyes had to fall on the most exquisite pair of ballerina shoes, which of course was not on sale. It was love at first sight, coz honestly i could tell that those were the very ones i have been looking for, ever since i wanted to be a ballerina....My heart pounding, i reached those and i am sure my heart almost skipped a beat at the touch of those wonderfully divine pair of shoes..But then probably the shoe Gods (if there is any such entity, that is) are not happy with me for some (or maybe a variety of) reason(s)....The shoes did not fit. With a subdued hope, i enquired if i could get one of these in my shoe size..And with the response that i certainly did not want to hear, i saw my dreams of owning what i always wanted to, shattered once again :(


So close to being a ballerina and yet so far...Hard luck !

sigh..sniffle..sigh..

disconnect...

the clock continues to race ahead. new hopes for the day soar in the heart of some while some find their dreams turn to dust..new possibilities await some, while for some there are no choices left to make...words that lift the soul fill the air, struggling to find their place within the chaos and turmoil of the heart wrenching songs of a few souls...laughter intermingled with the muffled sobs...happiness in an age old war to win over sorrows...eyes filled with the light of a hopeful tomorrow, eyes with the well of tears all dried up...life races against life in an attempt to get ahead..beaten up by death at times..disconnected moments, disconnected lives..yet in a way connected..

Those were the days....

Those were the days when being together wasn't a compulsion forced upon by time. Those were the days when you knew all my little secrets and i knew yours. Those were the days when our first crushes were shared with an ardent anticipation and joyful hopes. Those were the days of girly chatter which lasted for hours together without realizing how much time has passed. Those were the days when we thought that this is what freedom is all about, loving, caring and being there for each other, no matter what. Those were the days when the painful moments of heartbreak were shared and there was a shoulder to cry on, when the hope that things will be better seemed so true just by the mere presence of each other. Two minds, two souls, leaning on each other, building the wall of friendship, stronger than ever.

And then, the times changed..or did we?

These are the days when dropping a line to say hello takes months of careful pondering. These are the days when the words seem to get lost in some unknown space before being uttered, as if knowing that the distance is too large to be crossed. These are the days when there is no more the chatter, nor any sound of the carefree laughter, no more of spending time together, no more secrets to be shared. These are the days when the ways have parted and you seem to have taken a different road. Our paths now somehow do not meet and there isn't any sign of a crossroad either.

But i long for the good old days. There still exists a faint hope deep within me that those days will merge into these, that the distinction will be blurred and that our paths will cross again...Someday !!!

Aww..Me...

A part of me : This is awful!
The rest of me : You need to see the glass as half full and not half empty
A part of me : I dont see it as half empty. I see it as completely empty and honestly, i dont see any glass at all :P
The rest of me : When life throws lemons at you, make lemonade
A part of me : Yes, you are right. And i have a sore throat. So lemonade will actually help me make life worse for me. But then again, as i said there is no glass, so how do i make the lemonade?
The rest of me : You need to start looking at the brighter side of life
A part of me : It is dark right now. So i guess i'll wait for the sun to rise.
The rest of me : You are impossible!
A part of me : Which according to Adidas is nothing. Which means i am nothing. Which means this is so awful!

Gist (To be read in CAPITAL and BOLD) : The weather seems to (or rather i am sure it does) have an undue effect on me which in its entirety i am yet to figure out.

Of sportshoes n stuff

I dont wear sports shoes anymore. I used to, in the past, but do not anymore. Not since i outgrew the pair i had. It was my favourite pair. The new ones never matched up to my expectations anyways. But somewhere between the time i outgrew my old pair and realised that i dont wear sports shoes anymore, maybe sometime during this era, is probably when i lost all my connections too. I no longer seem to fit in the regular flow of life. I am that outcast who struggles to hold on to the frail ends of the survival instincts but somehow my grip loosens every passing minute and it wouldnt be long before i would be drifted away by a passing whiff of breeze to nowhere. And i morbidly await the end.