Blessings - Journal Entry 2

•  A new beginning - a new year
• A well spent year in retrospect
• Health
• Beautiful dreams
• Looking forward to a wonderful year
• Free space
• Peace and quiet
• Hugs from my baby
• N's laughter reverberating through the house
• Yummy food

Blessings - Journal Entry 1

•  A beautiful morning
• Pitter patter of rain outside
• The otherwise silent moments in the early morning
• A hot cup of my favorite coffee
• Completion of my morning walk
• A clear work desk
• A clear head
• A fresh new day
• Birds chirping
• The soft ticking of the clock

A Burst Of Happiness

A sprinkle of color, a burst of happiness, a spot of joy - That's what this picture represents for me. The eternal beauty captured in time which i can bring back from memory over and over. And the feeling of exuberant joy fills me up every single time!! 

Gratitude-O-Meter 16 October 2016

1. Warm, sunny, a light breeze blowing - that's a perfect Sunday afternoon. And add to that, the rhapsody of a few fluttering butterflies. It's the perfect picture that mother nature has come up with. And that is precisely what i had the pleasure of witnessing. Butterflies make me happy beyond doubt. These carefree bundles hippity hopping across my backyard provided me with the perfect afternoon amusement. Especially a white one which happened to flutter about forming a beautiful tapestry in the invisible air.
2. I finally got a hold of my lazy inertia and managed to start on and complete the initial draft of my work presentation with ease. Once i started, the ideas just kept flowing.
3. I read a wonderful book on Gratitude today. Also, thanks to Amazon Kindle, i started reading 'The Last Unicorn' again. I loved reading it before and i am certainly enjoying the read again.
4. I started with my gratitude jar practice today with my husband. Just like a child filled with wonder, I am certainly looking forward to some wonderful moments of amazement, wonder and magic when i do my practice everyday with him.
5. I listened to some wonderful old songs on you tube today. They brought back some warm memories which made me smile.

Gratitude-O-Meter 22 July 2016

What am i grateful for today?

Grateful for just being. Nothing more. Nothing less. After all the trials and tribulations of the past few months, i have learned to take a deep breath and just be. And this has brought me closer to me, my inner self and helped me experience a glimmer of inner peace. And for that i am grateful!

Can you hear me?

It has been more than a month since the dreadful day. The day i lost you forever. I was just getting to know you. Feel you not only in my womb but also my heart. And then without a trace, you were gone. Why? I still search for you in the void that you left behind. I have an image of you in my mind. One filled with warmth, joy, happiness and laughter. Your smile lights up my moment, even if it is my silly imagination. With every passing moment, i build you in my dreams. Stronger than ever. Your smile gives me hope to go on. And some day, i hope you will find me back too!

Home away from home..

A thick canopy of dense trees shrouds the path as i journey along. The long stretch of roads wind, unwind and unravel before me, immaculate in their placing and creation. A few high rises play peek a boo amidst the canopy, as if defying their need to touch the sky and to remain rooted to the ground at the same time. The thick grey of winter has been replaced by the abundant sunlight as if washing away the fogs of yesterday with the warmth of today and an oncoming tomorrow. Everywhere i look around, summer makes its presence known and felt. The metamorphosis of winter into spring and finally into summer has been a spectacle indeed, a breathtaking transformation of grey and silver into a plethora of colors, of the vast emptiness into unimaginable abundance. Amidst the simmering heat, the glistening topiaries of green spread across miles, the breathtaking rainbow of flowers, my heart seems to search for a sense of familiarity. In a land so far away, it seems to have found a home away from home.

An elusive paradise..

You looked into my eyes and i saw my world in you. A world i have always longed to be in. But then i looked away. For you see, i cannot leave this world too.

I asked you what love is. You said it is what you feel for me. And then i fell into an even deeper abyss. For you see, i am yet to learn to fly, on the wings of love.

You took me in your arms and for a moment, i forgot my existence. I forgot who i was. It almost felt like a dream, almost... But then i stepped away from your embrace. For you see, i am yet to believe in dreams.

You kissed me on my lips and i quivered within my soul, a war raging within me. But then i turned away. For you see, i am yet to decide which side i am fighting for and against, in the battle within me.

And every time i looked away, i broke within, into pieces i haven't picked up yet. Torn between what is and what could have been. Torn between a moment and an eternity. Torn between the real and the unreal. Torn between the warmth of your breath and the icy coldness of the distance. Torn between you and me.

A whole new universe within this moment, a dream within a dream. And yet, it felt so real. How could that possibly be?

The shadow

Inside of me is a picture of you,

at the moment, it is but a shadow...

calling out to me,

from the depths of beyond,

is that your voice,

or the sound of my sorrow?

the traces, the paths, the boulevards crossed,

the journeys from here to the yonder...

like a memory that fades,

or a hurt that abates,

is that your footstep,

or a trail for me to follow?

laughter's and tears, praises and sneers,

the melodies of hearts strung together....

like the music that thrills,

or the vengeance that kills,

is that your spell,

or the illusion of tomorrow?

it is, but a matter of time,

when the good omens chime,

then the shadow shall pass,

and the picture shall last,

of our love and our heartfelt desire...

Mindless banter...

The void within me deepens day by day. Somedays i feel as if i have too much pent up inside of me and somedays i feel an eerie emptiness within. And the feeling never seems to go away. I wonder why!

Welcome 2012

The last sunset of this year draws near. The setting sun will usher in a new sunrise, a new beginning. Its time to bury the bad dreams, the hurt, the bitter experiences, to give way to new beginnings. Time to look back at the sweet memories of the year and carve out a special space in our hearts for them. Time to let go of strained relationships hanging by the last thread. desperate to break free. Time to forge new friendships, nurture the ones that mean the most to us.Time for new resolutions inspite of the known fact that those wont hold on for long. Time to ring out the old and ring in the new..

A very happy new year to everyone..

And the list continues...

My wish list to the universe....a work in progress

• Travel to Greece
• A library with dark ebony wooden shelves carved to perfection and overflowing with books
  
• A rocking chair
• Bungee Jumping
• Para Gliding
• Ice skating
• Learn the art of Ice Sculpting
  
• A small cottage overlooking the sea
• A room painted pale lemon yellow
• A windowsill with potted pink flowers
• A hammock
• A pet Labrador
  
• A silver anklet
• Earrings studded with blood red stones
• A pearl white gown
• A straw hat studded with flowers
• A pair of Stilettos
  
• A visit to Sheffield
  

Welcome back! - to me

I have decided to resurrect this blog after a long period of a deathly silence. A silence so chaotic that i could almost hear it screaming. If it were to speak, it would probably be akin to experiencing a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, well worthy of a narration in itself. But i do not intend to spill out the experience here in prose. I would most likely fall short of words in my attempt to do so. I'd rather restart on a much lighter and well trusted note. I hope that i would have the strength to hold onto and transform a few certain thoughts from the far recesses of my mind into something beautiful.

the perfect valentine....

"How do i look?" she asked all of a sudden, with an air of a princess, showing off her new pink dress, laced with pretty flowers, matched up with pink shoes and a pink hair band. "Its looking good" he said. And then she waited expectantly for something more to be said. He pretended as if he didnt care. And just as she was about to turn back and leave heart broken, he looked at her and said "You know what, you are beautiful". And with an air of a grown up, added, "Tooty Fruity beautiful. Thats how beautiful you look". And the twinkle in her eyes returned and a big grin found a way back into her face.

Although she never knew what it meant to be "tooty fruity beautiful", she waited for him to say this every single time and he never disappointed her.

All these years, she had never stopped asking the question. And the answers always amazed her and nevetheless brought a smile on to her face.

Now with a notable number of decades down the road, with the embers of youth long dead, her frail body struggling against the will to survive, lay, awaiting the last breath. The moment when life would deceive her and send her into an unknown world beyond what she ever knew. He staggered to reach out to her, every step made equally painful by the passing years. When their eyes met, the gleam in his, flowed into hers, warming her heart and filling her mind with the beauty of a sunshine.

As her lips parted to utter the words held in her heart, he bent down and kissed her forehead as if the words had already reached him. Gazing into her eyes, the lighthouse of his existence, he uttered what her heart yearned to hear. "You look beautiful. Tooty fruity beautiful, as always".

Good-bye's

I still remember the moment when you walked away. Long before the hazy mist in my eyes could clear. Long before the song in my heart could strike a chord in you. Long before i could step out of your dreams to find a safe haven in my own. Long before i could gather the pieces of my heart, every single one of them drenched in the blood of your love, while you called forth the rains, to wash them off, of any trace of it.

Some goodbye's are just disguised new beginnings. Some goodbye's tear you apart, body and soul, into a million little pieces, a trace of remembrance etched so deeply into every single one of them, that try as hard as you may, the scars refuse to go away. But some goodbye's haunt you forever....

My personal thanksgiving.....

Life doesnt give you many opportunities to celebrate and be thankful for what one has. But sometimes life does show its trump card hidden up its sleeve, when you are least expecting it, shaking the floor beneath your feet. Only when you have survived this jolt, do you realise, that what's left behind after the tumult was what was worth all along. What got washed away with the tide, was never meant to be and most importantly, not worth anything at all.

And when life did show me its bitter side, i realize why i survived and this post is my acknowledgement to the fact that i have a wonderful support system - my friends. K and S, today would have been different had it not been for you two. Therez a saying "Its the friends that you can call at 4:00 A.M that matter". Well, for me, you are those friends..not only my 4 A.M. friends, but dearest and closest to my heart. And i am thankful to have you in my life. With you by my side, i guess i could survive anything :)

Thanks for everything...you guys rock !!!

seasons of the soul....

she felt the rage within her rise,
    from gentle sobs to screaming cries;
the tears, they burned her eyes, her soul,
    she waited for the pain to die;

and then it rained, it rained for her.....

the autumn hues coloured her eyes,
    with a sense of hope, for withered lives;
she longed for her loss to drift away,
    be buried in a chasm deep and wide;

and then it snowed, it snowed for her.....

the rush of time, a wearied prey,
    the battle of the everyday;
she wished that 'now' would seemingly halt,
    for new dreams to sow, of a better start;

and the night did fall, kissing her goodnight.....

as light dispels the darkened nights,
    and hope, it triumphs over plight;
a shimmering sunset, a sparkling dawn,
    her heart, it yearned for a new spring song;

and the sun did rise, and shine for her.....

Drenched musings

A rainy October afternoon. An unusual shower for this time of the year. There is always something serenely magical about rains. As i sit on my windowsill with a steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other, i cant stop myself from soaking in the magic of the moment. The rain drops fall softly on the window pane and i ardently watch them form a pattern of their own as they slide through. Its a game i used to play when i was a child. Trying to race two drops to see which one slides down first and silly as it may sound, i did have my favorites in the game. The raindrops create a ripple as they fall into the puddle below, each one effortlessly blending into the next. Watching these ripples, these concentric circles which now give a new dimension to this stagnant pool of water, brings back a lot of memories from the yesteryear's. Memories have their knack of arriving uninvited.

As i open the windowpane to feel the rain in the open palm of my hands, the icy coldness of the raindrops tingles me and fills me with a childlike exuberance. The wind chime sways to the gentle breeze and creates its own tapestry of music, as if orchestrating the grandness of the moment. Familiar and unfamiliar faces scuttle through the street below, drenched in the moment, unknowingly bound by a common thread, the rain. The little or no sunlight blurs the distinction between day and night. The hazy blurred picture created by the rains is a perfect disillusionment separating the unreal from the real or perhaps blending them into one.

The simplicity of these moments is empowering. As i try to devour these, i hear a voice say, "Unexpected shower but the weather looks beautiful, no? What time is it by the way?" And i smile to myself as i whisper, "Now. The time is now."

ruins...

once upon a time, they say,
    i stood so tall, so fine, so strong,
and now withered with sands of time,
    i stand alone on a ruined ground

the beauty of my past remains,
    in glimpses of my memories,
in the stories told, some false, some true,
    i trace my journey ever anew

my walls though weak, my roof though leaks,
    my heart, of strength and spirit speaks,
my outward pomp and charm though lost,
    my inner soul still glory seeks

a crown of flowers adorned me once,
    engulfed me in their gentle spell,
now weeds surround me and more,
    trying to make up for the charm

my arms have cradled many a soul,
    who came to seek my shelter then,
now an endless wait is all i have,
    to be a refuge to a wandered soul

the world awaits a bright luminous day,
    after every dark and dreary night
and so i wait for my day of life,
    to be mixed to dust and born again.....

A cliched thought...

Everyday i pass through the same roads to get to work. Some days when i am not too occupied with the monotony of life, i try to look or rather observe the world around me as i pass by these paths, en route to work. There is one particular stretch of road which has these little hutments created with scraps of plywood, sheets of plastic ,tin and whatever material available. Though it might appear unworthy of being termed a house, it indeed is a home for many. The street urchins seemingly belonging to this neighborhood are always up to something, as if whatever their minds are construing at the moment, would somehow change their world and fate forever. What amazes me about these urchins is the look of unfazed contentment on their faces. It appears as if they are miles away from the touch of any apathy or misfortune. Try as one may, to search for a trace of resentment, unhappiness within them, their faces and spirit seem to betray the reality. Deprived of things which we cannot even imagine living without, and still facing the day with an optimistic stride, is probably what sets them apart, irrespective of their current state in life.

Looking at them always reminds me of the cliche "Happiness is a state of mind". Each one of us undoubtedly must have heard this phrase a thousand times over, read about it or passed it on to somebody, wrapped as a mere piece of advice. However, the point to note is, when it actually comes to living the phrase, are we even infinitesimally close to it? The lesser privileged somehow seem to understand the significance and value of this cliche more than the affluent or the ordinary. We all seem to live in a rat race. Nobody in particular seems to know where we are heading, nor does anybody seem to care, however, each one of us surely does want to outnumber the rest in this race to nowhere. We might have the world at our feet, however, even without realizing it, we might just step on it and move on. Still grumbling, still resenting, what we do not possess yet, all the while what we have thrown away ourselves. We seem to have become too immune to the epiphanies of life to be able to pause for a moment and make a shift in our perspectives. But life has a way of adding that deliberate pause, by a whip or by a splash. The question that remains for us to ponder over is, are we ready to pay the price after all, to learn the most expensive lesson, the hard way?